Tales of the Parodyverse

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CrazySugarFreakBoy!
Wed Dec 06, 2006 at 02:09:37 am EST
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Unexpected Guests & Family Reunions: Part One of the CrazySugarFreakWedding!
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Unexpected Guests & Family Reunions: Part One of the CrazySugarFreakWedding!

Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove was finally getting married to April Alice Apple, but he still needed to schedule a bridal shower, a bachelor party and a wedding reception before then, so he did what, in retrospect, shouldn’t have surprised anyone who knew anything about the attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder-diagnosed Agent of Chaos, and simply scheduled all three events to take place all at once, outside the Lair Legion Mansion on Halloween, concurrent with the wedding ceremony itself.

Dozens of 20-sided dice were being cast for Dungeons & Dragons campaigns, while the laptops on hand were being kept busy, either with World of Warcraft on their wireless Internet connections, The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and Dune movies, miniseries and other tie-in media on their screens, a swirling mix of electronica, techno, trance, ambient, house, synth, rave, dub, club, dancehall, breakbeat, drum-and-bass, jungle, tribal and industrial music on their speakers, or plentitudes of porn on their file-sharers and burners, even as real-life strippers performed for appreciative audiences in person. Washington State Gov. Roslyn Rashomon, decked out in the earth-tone brown-and-tan uniform of a Colonial Forces Warrior from the 1970s Battlestar Galactica series, was conversing about the current state of the American educational system with Elisabeth “Bettie” Barrie, who had donned the bohemian garb and long, multicolored scarf of Tom Baker as Doctor Who. Milling about the crowd were the members of the “Amazing Super-Friends,” Dream’s circle of fellow fans of science fiction, fantasy, superheroes, comic books, cartoons and role-playing games, among them Penelope “Penny” Geoffries, whose costume as Leeloo from The Fifth Element consisted mostly of tangerine orange rubber, with her newly dreadlocked hair dyed to match. The Globetrotting Gangbusters, Dream’s team of reformed supervillains seeking redemption as worldwide superheroes, had likewise turned out to take part in the festivities, and their leader, Katrina Luisa Van Horn, instinctively flexed her impressive muscles in her scale-mail bikini as Red Sonja, as Penny invited Kat to attend the next Renaissance fair in their neck of the Pacific Northwest, and Kat imagined initiating Penny into another type of “role-playing games” altogether. Even Bernice Teschmacher, of Who Watches the Watchmen? Magazine, had readily agreed to be her best friend’s maid of honor, although she’d been significantly more reluctant to adopt the bride’s insistent suggestion that she squeeze herself into the skintight black spandex-and-leather of Cobra’s Baroness, from G.I. Joe, especially once she learned that the idea had originated with the groom.

Eventually, after any number of tie-in tales that other authors are still welcome to add whenever they wish (hint, hint), and following a brief absence by the bride and groom, the wedding party congregated to kick off the ceremony proper, due in no small part to the apprehensive prompting of the pathologically punctual Priestess Pelopia, the Disciple of Logos. Christopher “Kit” Kipling, swashbuckling in his V-necked gold command tunic, black bell-bottoms and Beatle boots as James T. Kirk from the 1960s Star Trek series, sat next to Anna “Inanna” Kensington, styling in her Geordi La Forge visor and high-collared, similarly toned gold-on-black Star Trek: The Next Generation engineering uniform.

Dream strode forward to the otherwise vacant outdoor altar, which was backlit by the roaring tribal-style campfire, that cast the shadow of the recently planted seedling apple tree down the aisle, between the rows of guests seated in folding lounge chairs.

As the thunderclouds rolled ever closer in the sky above, Dream’s neon green eyes swam drunkenly with manic anticipation, as a lunatic grin spread across his face, and giddy giggles crept up from the back of his throat, until he lifted his silvery prop sword straight up into the air and announced, “Well, by the power of Grayskull, I guess … ”

The bolt of lightning that struck his replica weapon coursed through his entire body, causing his skin to beam an even brighter day-glo yellow, as he took hold of both ends of his facsimile blade, thrusting its length out from his chest with the words, “Hey, I really do have the power!”, before he pointed it toward the tree and the fire, causing the shimmering energy he’d absorbed to flow, in a luminous stream, from him into them.

After he fell to his knees, even his fluorescent orange hair continued to pulse from the charge that he’d transferred, but he was still laughing like mad, while the seedling shot up rapidly into a fully grown tree, whose suddenly expansive branches literally drooped with the swelling of golden apples among their leaves, even as a huge coyote leaped out from the heart of the fire, its lips curled back from its sharp fangs in a feral smile.

“No, it’s cool,” Dream dazedly reassured the assembled attendees, as the first rising signs of panic among their ranks inspired a number of them to scatter. “Whew, head rush,” he remarked to himself, as he rose unsteadily to his feet and pinched the bridge of his nose. “But yeah, it’s okay,” he blinked deliberately. “These folks were invited. After all, somebody has to do the honors, of getting me and my gal officially hitched.”

Sure enough, the snarling, growling coyote reared up onto its hind legs, straightened its spine, and shifted its shape into a gray-haired, smirking, chuckling Native American shaman, whose motley attire included an eclectic collection of military uniform gear, casual cowboy wear, and ceremonial tribal adornments. Likewise, just as a slender branch dropped one of its golden apples, a slim-fingered female hand reached out to catch it before it touched the ground, since the tree itself had transformed into a willowy-yet-statuesque Mediterranean woman, clad in an antiquated-yet-anachronistic Greco-Roman toga dress, complete with a matching “modernized classical” hairstyle, jewelry and sandals.

Charles “Charlie” Smiling Coyote, the SacredClownSmilingCoyote!, and Eris Eleutherios, the Ecdysiast of Ecstasy, had arrived to marry their grandson off to his Aphrodite.

“Dad?” Louis Laughing Fox breathed, barely believing what he was witnessing, as Meggan Foxxx simply stared numbly at the scene that was unfolding in front of her.

“Hey there, son,” Charlie nodded tersely toward Louis, before turning briefly to Meg. “Hey there, daughter-in-law,” he acknowledged apologetically, before wincing ruefully. “It wasn’t your fault, either one of you. Your old man’s a fuck-up, boy.”

“We’re very proud of you,” Eris emphasized, clasping Louis and Meg’s hands in her own. “You and your family both,” she elaborated, as she cast a surveying gaze over Dream’s dizzy stumbling, Gwendolyn “Wendy” Leslie’s awestruck gawking, Oliver “Ollie” Hastings’ pensive scowling, and Iris Paintbrush Sunrise’s curious cooing. “Three grandchildren now,” her voice quavered wistfully, as her eyes misted over. “Two of them no longer children, one of them with a child of his own … and today, a new granddaughter-in-law.”

“You look just like your character in The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy,” April blurted out, before her brain caught up with her mouth and she anxiously hastened to add, “which is way better than looking like, say … Wuya, from Xiaolin Showdown.”

“Hey!” Dream objected. “Wuya’s hot, in an evil MILF sort of way! As opposed to Myra Brandish from The Venture Bros., who’s hot in a crazy MILF sort of way … ”

“Yeah, anyway,” Charlie growled out a groan of equal amounts exasperation and amusement, “it’s high time you two kids said your piece, and got this show on the road.”

To be continued in … Vows Exchanged & Objections Raised: Part Two of the CrazySugarFreakWedding!


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